when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
