Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
