oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
