We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
