Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
