I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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