Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
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