My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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