and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
