gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
