worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
