I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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