I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
