i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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