GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
