i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
