I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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