Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
