i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
