went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
