I think i peed on brittanys purse
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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