In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Randomize
