so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
