i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
