there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
