God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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