I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
