2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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