My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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