Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
