I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
