Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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