Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
