I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
