My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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