so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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