I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
