The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
