this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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