Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
