I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
