you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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