my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
