You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
