the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
