Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Randomize
