I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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