all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
