It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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