Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
