It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
